Some things sent to me through my Gma Alice's Journal...
I am complete and whole, and know my being better through her words.

"I thot how time was sedimentary, depositing layer upon layer, all
transparent, none clouding an earlier one.  Indeed, the exact sequence was
impossible to distinguish, but any moment, some sight, or some sound, or
some smell could instantaneously expose a point in time on one of those
layers, and suddenly all was clear and sharply remembered.

Later, she wrote of something that happened at the Arboretum:
- walking along the road toward the woodland pond I glanced down the hill to
my left toward the picnic area.  I saw a flash of something yellow and man
made and my heart's eye saw and thought a clear, sharp image, without a
second's pause or doubt, of the old Piper Cub plane in which I had my flying
instruction on that grass field in Shaker Heights, Ohio and in which took
place the three treasured hours of solo flying of which I am so proud.  It
was, of course, only a bulldozer of sorts, but for part of a moment there it
had very real wings.

She also wrote, June 8, 1989:
Doug may once have been my heart, but Jenny is my Life.

Those 2 little beings (she was writing of you and Tommy) are the universe
and eternity in totality.  They contain all the possibilities - no, they do
not.  They are the products of their genes and their environment as are we
all.  But now, right now, as I see them and love them they are all the
blessed world I love and know.  They are all the good, the hope, the dreams,
the beauty, the possibilities, the creativities, the love & good & kindness
& beauty I know exist and are possible in the living of one human life.
Jenny, I look at your picture (long hair, white sweater, 3 1/2?) & I know I
am in you & were we never to be together again I would still be part of you
and I love you with all the love that can be contained in one & given to
another.  You & I - together - we are love - parts of a whole.  You will -
or you can if you want to - have always in you the support of my love, my
being a part of you, you having been a part of me.  You are
double-strengthed because I and all the good & wonderful things I never knew
thought, saw, loved, understood, are in you, part of you & nothing, no one,
can take that from you, keep it from you - nor can they take, keep it from
me while you & I still share the surface of this beloved earth.

From January 1987
Jenny, in all her dearness & perfection of shape.

October 24, 1987
No one can see my apt. as I see it.  No one can love what I love in it as I
love it.  Because no one can see those things I love as I know & love them."

camera to tripod
eyes on world
mind in the abyss
foot to the pedal

what was an awkward piece of work has become a lifeless pile of nothing to do with anything. I photograph it in my mind. drama to the worst degree, faith so small, sometimes I'm worried I let it get away... on top of it all i feel abandoned by the warmth of what used to be various partnerships. hearing words on a page, but knowing all to well to NOT take them personally or seriously... for our doom lies in asumption and expectation. fighting the crave. and this, as well as all, procrastination is a result of fear. just then, the stars whisper in my ear and I, am revived through grace. one foot in front of the other, as they sing, moved through the ideas and patience of something we never see.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.
--Corrie Ten Boom

ice sits on mountains and on my hair tonight... the low mumbling of snow compressing between my footsteps reminds me of what I used to be: of what I let him make me.
I took a breath and remembered to look up
learn and proceed

then I thought of communication, how the absence of it brought us down to the depths of what we are, or aren't. and now he says nothing at all: only solidifying the same. passing invitations through the only one between us.
perhaps only in the limit of my actions (to keep him, and his gal from throwing up) and a forced apology speech will form the words to be from here on exchanged. cannot cry anymore for what nether of us have solidly fought for, but i can hope he'll find it worthwhile to move ahead with words directly from his mouth to my ears.
I took a breath and remembered to look up
learn and proceed

take more than physically spent
spend more than money

JEREMY

i tried commenting on your blog,
but as comments often do, they didn't work
what i was gonna say was this...

you also have:
"friends who love you dearly!! (smiley face smiley face)"

i am sorry for your losses, yet excited for you, friend.
moving out on your own into the world... you ARE an amazing young man and i am very inspired by your ways! a mentor to us all.
much love!!

was the kind of day that would use up all your washer fluid
all dirty and wet.
there were lives changing in instants,
crashes, flashing lights,
trips to the hospital or car repair...
deep breaths and relief, i survive.
but the trees collected snow
one of my most favorite things

later a trip to the minneapolis center of photography inspires me to be better-
and thus i am.
viewed my lillies from underneath and naturally,
causing something new to begin

it was the first night in a week that i went to bed warm
a call from my vacationing sweetheart,
i was too excited to sleep,
too anxious to wait.

and now i am content to spend twelve hours outside my mind inorder to stay sane while this countown continues...

i know the moon protects you and i the same
claiming you an hour earlier
coming for me an hour later
i know you're celebrating time off
a vacation from the everyday
i just want you to have fun

yet, here i find distress
a knot in my shoulder
i found another in my neck
and uncommon headaches
friend ready to give up
anniversaries of those gone
confusion runs high

i crave you home
your warmth your joy

today its been a year
since my gma died
i'm becide myself and lost
a ring to keep me physically connected
memories emotionally
i wish you could have met her
but i know she approves
i miss her
i miss you

a night out on town with the girls to keep my mind away
from realizing my love left for a week, never mind that it didn't work, was a beautiful surprise
attempting to fit in i found new apparel to show my naked tree
so following the traffic, and rick's directions, we found our destination just off of first on fifth
cold female bodies got us in for free (we are ladies, we shall not pay)
but here alas, a drink and cokes and time to hit the floor
more invironment, less meat market, all of us are pleased
i watched behind my eye lids what i could remember of my love dancing before me, yet never did he appear when my eyes opened
so consumed by the music, unable to stand still
i lost all control, and gave into the rhythms of Techno Night
all the while lost in the thoughts of my traveling inspiration
all the while lost in a body filled with the need to dance

When is it time to give up?
How do you KNOW when you're really putting in too much effort for whats coming in return?
When can you be sure that the balance is lost: when negative, draining, energy replaces growth?

It's a small line.
A tiny little wire of a wall that can do anything to keep you from seeing the light but cannot stop you from getting over it... when and if you decide to do so.
Sometimes I feel so surrounded by walls that I want to climb over.
Trying to be a friend, but only end up being used.

Ready to find my light.
Afraid to leave these walls behind.
Watched them be built from scratch... I am part of them.
Even helped to build them.
But I will not go blind from their darkness.
Break through. Climb over.
Either way: Moving on.

And I, stronger than before,
balanced and sure footed,
embark on my journey of joy.

Looking at tomorrow, all most people can come up with is, 'hey, last year being a teenager' ... true. But I looked at yesterday, and was astounded at whats become of my first year of being an adult.
i find myself amazed that i've been keeping this blog for more than a year already. who knew i had so much to say... suppose we all did.

well i take this last day of being 18... perhaps i should do all those things i never did- those things people tell you you have to do when you turn 18. buy cigarettes and a lottery ticket, go to a strip club and casino...

then again i'm fairly non-conventional.
i'm content to modify my body and have dinner.
and like most of the world i'll go to work on my birthday
and today, i am content to end another year

my life is full of beautiful surprises
and i have no regrets, just thanks

cannot wake up if you never sleep
watching the values of my walls change as night settles in, and then steps aside for morning. i tried turning my raido on as i usually do, to keep my mind from thinking... but no music was loud enough to stop me from pacing through anxious ideas.

Today I brand myself with a perminant reminder that I am art.
I am my own artist, I am my own being inspired by my own world.
I am Jenni, inspired by naked trees: life, renwal, beatuy beyond leaves.

I said, "Goodnight L.A."
Cause I’m awake in my room
I been up for 38 hours
And it don’t look like sleep’s coming soon
Cause I could break like a bird
Or I could swallow the sea
It seems like the daylight is coming
And no one is watching but me
But I don’t mind the dark discovering the day
Cause the night
is a beautiful bright blue and grey
And what brings me down now is love
Cause I can never get enough
And it’s a dangerous time for a heart on a wire
Shuttled from station to station noisily
Not knowing why
So I put my head on the ground
And the sky is a wheel
Spinning these days into things that I’ve lost
But you can keep all the years
But I don’t mind the days gone rolling away
Cause all this sunlight
Feels warm on my face today
And what brings me down now is love
Cause I can never get enough of love
- Adam F. Duritz

posting here
cry for confrontation that i'm too afraid to make in person
stuffing my head into pillows to hide from my love
embarrased by my tears of confustion
upset to leave him between my stupidity and a friend

don't know how to explain to you
what i can't explain to myself
searching for the words only leaves time
for you and yours to hate me more
tears are my only answer
and i don't expect you to understand

i'm sorry i'm no good at this

i left not in need of physical rest
i had enough energy to cry about frusterations
had enough to warm myself up to a phone
and aquire what i needed to hear

and now: i say with confidence
"I'M TIRED OF IT"

the worst place to be, i say,
is between what your heart wants
and what your mind wants
knowing your heart would choose neither solution
your mind knowing it has to choose one

and now i say
"I CAN'T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY"

i parted from my love
in distaste for the roar of over-bearing thunder
i'd give anything to run back to him
shine with him, my moon

i don't know how to ask them
to stop being what they are
i almost felt selfish
but their negative energy
is nothing but a burdon

i stood alone
i was pierced with indecision
i have decided to stand as i am
disapointment or not

i am rock
and i am water
just as everyone else
just as you

beating up upon my shore
you silently alter parts of who i am
changing me a little-bit at a time
but seasons of change
a switch in the wind
bring your strong forces
to alter me in dramatic ways
leaving yourself in the
spaces where i've been chipped away
filling where i'm incomplete

just as i
rise and fall against you
changing your rock a little
and sometimes in a storm
a lot
leaving pieces of myself
in the holes of your mass
warmed by the sun
becoming puddles for new things to grow

constant waves
or lively swells
you will be different because of me
just as i am never the same after you

my poet is beyond words
and yet he transforms them into
"i would be the moon"

never in the eyes of a man
did i feel so beautiful
while being just myself

The smallest change in perspective can transform a life.
What tiny attitude adjustment might turn your world around?
--Oprah

lunch with a friend rekindled what was on the rocks
entertained him with the thought of beer to lips
yet rejoiced in the common graces of our lives
shared stories of those we knew
heard that sandy beaches are his plan
and told of a friend worth fighting for

tickets for four students
inspiration and desperation of a time i once knew
color danced before our eyes
twirling on their knees
beautiful surprises lie in the evening
with a couple ... as a couple
culture day #1

ink to skin in a week from now
and a promise from my love to watch me bleed
a promise to myself to always be inspired
settled safely into bed
tracing outlines just like our song says
as for being my motivation:
he does little to get me out the door
unless he's going, too
three months and it all feels just as exciting
just as right

all in a day

if there were another way to live
i wish not to know
life, indeed, is beautiful
shedding my leaves, bearing my limbs

page after page of old self discoveries printed in case of a virus
ink, only as perminant as dry keeping, keeps days like today somewhere other than inside my mind
somehow i find a sigh among the breathless-ness that is me
but these sticky moments are better smothered to avoid residue in the corner of frames that display the images in my mind of what we become when moments are our own, cheeks rosy and anxious
reading what i wrote in days like these past, i find simple pleasure in their glory
the day they were the newest to be read
now burried at the bottom of all the thoughts soon after
such dramatic drops of a cry within to leave me where i am posting from now

I expected everything to change over night.
Guess I thought I really had started my secret resolution:
but I was, I suppose, not really surprised when I found I had already failed.
However the evening was not wasted.
A ritual (only three of us really absorbed) clensed what was hanging over my sunshine. Accepting my former style of drama, being overly emotionally invested in the complications of life, I scribbled and burned what was left of my misconceptions. No longer will I deprive myself of that energy used to carry arround the burdons of my past.
My world is finally different.
Silly of me to think that things happen over night- I suppose.
None-the-less, I am dedicated to my decisions.
I am better. I am new. And I am ready.